Twice in my life I've stood within and touched a rainbow --
a wet, jewelled fog, a promise after killing rain
that, as long as the sun rises and seasons endure,
never again will God try to forget, drown out his pain

as I have drowned mine, though the price of his love
be two pieces of wood and five liters of blood.
But you, whose very name in proclaiming his love
won't let me forget mine, call from that flood

I brought onto myself, lacking courage to accept
the love that costs blood, pays debts not its own,
pulls me from my safe shell, won't let me alone!
I remember the moment of purest joy I've known --

I stood on a mountain road, surrounded by what seemed
a hoard from a tale of Arabian Nights, but alive,
shimmering, wetting my cheeks and eyelashes with dew,
allowing the scent of new grass and rich earth to rise,

intoxicating me, robbing me of thoughts and senses.
I was alive! Perhaps, in some dim, immanent way
I sensed your presence in the fields and Douglas firs
that stood by the rutted asphalt and the cars that day.

For you and only you return me to that moment
of flowing light I drink and mist I breathe for food,
of days and hours like spun gold that I can weave
about the darker strands of pain and death and rude

awakening from this, my waking dream. I love you.
Through the flood of trivial moments, daily life,
in my mind I see you laughing on a mountain
summit -- memories touch like silk, cut like a knife.

I love you. This alone stood solid as my heart
gave way to weight of anger, grief, remorse, and fear
I carried from a past I longed to leave behind,
from love that cost too much of me, but you were near

and heard the cry for help I didn't give. And yet,
I think your kindness, warm as sun shining in the sky
hurt more than your anger would have. For I saw
your joy, when mine had gone, shining from your eyes,

and the love I longed for, all for someone else.
I thought that pain had reached its end in me, who knew
the black night of despair, when God alone can touch
through weight of agony run dry, and bring forth new

life from dry bones and dead dust. I thought I knew.
I had not seen despair's mercy, the small space of rest
and quiet, numbed of feeling, where having given up hope
one may find at last some measure of peace in death.

But you called me from death to life, awakened hope,
left me no place to hide from pain, no numbing lie
to bear its weight. You bade me look, told me to feel,
let beauty stab me, joy reveal the lingering "Why?"

as just a dissipating mist in its great light,
not knowing what you were asking of me. For I who ran
from deadly beauty, fought for life with poisoned joy,
and watched in horror as I saw revealed my hands

covered with blood of souls devoured to defend
my own, a hollow shell, unable to think or feel
or care -- was I to trust myself again? It seemed
incredible that that which hurt so much could heal.

I who had always stood alone, watching the world
unfold -- a chrysalis -- myself untouched and free
to touch what I observed, or not, just as I pleased,
now took no step without your hand there, guiding me.

One thing remained, my love for you. It was enough.
Today I saw a rainbow by the lake just east of here
and recalled the promise given to eight living men
who stood alone on earth after the flood swept clear

corrupted life. For God with grief looked at the land,
the corpse of his creation, and swore within his heart
never again to destroy the earth, though death would come
despite his choice, as all had taken Adam's part,

knowing this would cost the life of His Son. And I
will not destroy my love for you, although I know
that it must die and set me free to stand alone
again, since I can't stand with you. Even so,

I've stood within and touched a promise most men know,
but only as a whisper in the clouds or air
which softly speaks a benediction and is gone.
You, my love, my friend, are with me everywhere.

Last modified on Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 8:40 AM PDT.