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"There's a theory which suggests that once we figure out the meaning of life, the
Universe will be replaced by something even more bizarre and ridiculous."
"Petitioner has been known as WILLIAM GLEN JESERNIG for a period of
35 YEARS, 11 MONTHS and requests this court to change HIS name to
ROSS PEROT for the following reason: SO I CAN RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THESE
UNITED STATES AND WIN." "Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that
I have no grasp of it whatsoever." |
Trenton, New Jersey (July 2006): A prison inmate pleaded guilty on Tuesday to sending letters to the FBI and secret service that included bomb and anthrax threats, signed and with his full name and inmate number. Donald Ray Bilby, 30, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court in Trenton to one count of false information and hoaxes after he sent five letters demanding authorities deposit $20,000 in his county jail inmate account because he needed money for bail, the U.S. Attorney's Office said. "I think it's fair to say we were not dealing with a great criminal mind here," U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie said in a statement.
Belfast, Ireland (1976): A twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit -- Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
Rome, Italy (March 1999): One panel of Gaetano Previati's 1912 triptych "Fall of the Angels" hung upside down for three months in Rome's leading modern art museum, until a group of students spotted the blunder, the daily Il Messaggero reported Wednesday. Previati, who died in 1920, was one of the leading artists of the Milan Divisionist school, an non-representational (or abstract) style which apparently can stymie even an expert.
Helsinki, Finland (January 1999): Finnish academic Jukka Ammondt, known best for his two recordings of Elvis Presley songs in Latin, has announced a new project -- Elvis Presley songs in the ancient Middle Eastern language of Sumerian. (Readers will probably better recognize this as Babylonian, the language of Babylon.) Ammondt has been practicing with "Blue Suede Shoes". "Elvis would have liked the idea because ancient Sumerians had big parties and drums and rattles....", commented Ammondt.
Denver, Colorado (September 1997): During a sword fight in the opera "The Vagabond King" in Denver, one of the swords broke, and the blade flew through the air, severing the bow of a violinist in the orchestra. Because of this, opera officials are considering stringing a net over the orchestra pit to protect the musicians.
Springfield, MO (October 2001): The body of 74-year-old Robert Holder of Cross Timbers, Missouri, was allegedly dumped on his girlfriend Nancy King's front porch after she failed to pay the funeral home for the cost of having him cremated. Gary Peterman, director of Hathaway Peterman funeral home, declined to discuss the allegation "out of respect for Mr. Holder." If King's allegations are proved true, the funeral home faces punishment ranging from a disciplinary letter to revocation of its license. Meanwhile, Robert Holder's body is in cold storage at the Reser Funeral Home, another funeral home in the area. The owner, Jim Miller, when asked about the situation, responded, "I've been in this business 30 years, but I've never seen anything like this. I'm not worried about the money. We'll cover the expenses. I just want to make this thing right."
Springfield, Virginia (October 1998): An abuse department employee at a local ISP reported taking a call from a customer who claimed that someone was tapping her phone via demonic influences. The customer added that the culprit was listening in on her conversation with the abuse department employee at that very second. Said customer didn't want the employee or ISP to take any action, but just wanted to be sure that the person responsible for this amazing feat of eavesdropping via paranormal influences knew that she was onto them and would be reporting their behavior to her congressman.
Somewhere in Illinois... (September 1997): The makers of Michelin tires said they would reformulate a substance used to make new-model tires grip the road better on wet pavement because the old formula permitted a build-up of static electricity. For months, attendants on the Illinois Tollway had reported taking measures to insulate themselves every time new Honda Accords (which feature the new Michelin tires) stopped to pay tolls. Some attendants even refused to take money from some drivers for fear of shocks.
Munich (February 2001): A German court convicted a spy, a bank manager code-named "Source Albert", of defrauding the German government by selling it what he claimed were unreported secrets about the Soviet Union (back when there was a Soviet Union). The German government later discovered that these "secrets" had been obtained from the files of its own security police force, the BND. "Source Albert" had a contact who worked for the BND. Judge Ursula Lewenton ordered the "spy"/conman to return the $138,000 he had been paid for the information.
London (January 2001): A bride and groom stole a wedding dress from a local shop. They were caught after they posed for a wedding photo subsequently sent to the local newspaper with their wedding announcement. The shop owner recognized the dress and called police. A local court fined Joanne Dixon the equivalent of US $300. Her husband is awaiting sentence.
Seattle, Washington (June 1998): An arsonist who fled twenty one years ago after being convicted for causing a boat to explode and killing his girlfriend has been found. Darion Northrup "Sam" Castle, 63, has been living under the alias of Mark Bradfield, the name of the prosecuting attorney who won the conviction against him in 1972.
Miami, Florida (April 1998): Texas fugitive Steven Jay Russell, an escape artist with a string of successful prison breaks and fourteen known aliases, has finally been caught -- again -- in Sunrise, Florida. Russell's deeds have earned him the nicknames "Houdini" and "King Con" from frustrated, but admiring, law enforcement officials and reporters, who reminisce about his legendary smooth-talking patter, ability to manipulate people into believing almost anything, and history of attempting escapes only on Friday the 13th. (All of his many successful escapes from prison have been made on that date.) "We told them in Florida, if he comes out of the apartment and says he is Bill Clinton, don't believe him, even though you may want to," explained Glen Castleberry at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.
Kewanne, Illinois (October 1997): Police charged "model" citizen Roger Harlow with 81 counts of burglary. The insurance agent and part-time Sunday school teacher was accused of entering the homes of friends and townspeople over a 10-year period when he knew they would be away and stealing about 1000 valuables. According to police, Harlow once was late to a golfing foursome because he stopped off to burglarize the homes of the other golfers, and once he excused himself midway through a lunch date, allegedly dashed away to burglarise his companion's home, and returned as the main course was being served. He also allegedly stole from hospitalized friends' homes during hospital visiting hours.
Strasbourg, France (July 2001): Over 70 garden gnomes were found on the steps of the Strasbourg Cathedral Tuesday morning. With them was a banner proclaiming that gnomes should be "free" and promising to continue efforts until all gnomes are "returned ot the wild." The banner was signed, "The Gnome Liberation Front." This shadowy organization was already known to police because of an earlier "liberation" of about 100 gnomes and other garden statues, all of whom were placed on a traffic circle near Strasbourg. Some of the liberated gnomes were arranged to spell out, "Free the Gnomes."
Las Vegas, NV (September 2000): On September 7 A Las Vegas man was convicted of smuggling a dozen lizards into the United States in his underwear. Don D. Astorga, 31, was arrested at the airport in June after police looking for drugs noticed unusual bulges around his groin. In his underwear were several tube socks stuffed with nine dead lizards and three live ones. All of the lizards were native to Sutheast Asia and Africa, and several were listed as threatened or endangered species. Astorga faces up to six months in prison when he is sentenced on December 8.
Le Lavandou, France (September 2000): It is now against the law to die in a small town on the French coast -- unless you already have a burial plot or family vault for your mortal remains. The town cemetary is full, and a plan to open a new one was recently rejected by a regional court for violating restrictions on coastal building. Nineteen bodies lie in the local mortuary awaiting burial -- there is nowhere to put them. So the mayor of Le Lavandou issued a decree requiring those without burial arrangements to die elsewhere. There's no word on the penalty for breaking this law....
Chalmette, Louisiana (March 2000): Authorities say they've found the man who pilfered the donation box at Our Lady of Prompt Succor Catholic Church. The Rev. Warren Cooper said donations had been down recently, requiring the church to cut assistance to the poor "just about in half." Dennis Ferrer, 56, was caught, charged with theft and was held on $10,000 bond. According to a police report, Ferrer claimed he was "not stealing the money, just removing it because the church was run by communists."
Hong Kong (March 1999): A hungry illegal immigrant from mainland China, who broke into the home of a Hong Kong resident, stole one of his three pet turtles, and ate it, has been sentenced to fifteen months in prison.
Los Angeles, California (September 1998): The companion of an elderly man is suing to overturn his will, in which he left his Beverly Homes house to his cocker spaniel. The will appoints the companion as the cocker spaniel's guardian at a salary of $60,000 a year, but terminates the contract at the 13-year-old dog's death. The companion is asking for $2.7 million.
Olympia, Washington (February 2000): Eleven-year-old Blake Topping sold his prize-winning calf, Wild Thing, at the county fair this winter for $1,900. He planned to use the money for college. Blake is a foster child, though, and his case worker at the state Department of Social and Health Services took the money and gambled it away. Blake's disappointment turned to joy, though, when Washington Governer Gary Locke presented him with a check for $3,300 -- money donated by DSHS employees and other state workers. "We're very, very sorry. That should never have happened," Locke told Blake.
Escatawpa, Mississippi (June 1998): An woman went on vacation with her seven-year-old daughter, and returned to find her house stripped of its belongings and with a "For Sale" sign on the front lawn. It turned out that the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which finances loans to first-time homebuyers, had foreclosed. The thing is, HUD had actually foreclosed on a house around the corner. Identical numbers and similar street names had confused the agent sent out to complete the foreclosure. The owner got most of her belongings back, but a few of her daughter's toys have disappeared.
Lancaster, PA (November 2001): Heather Schlossman thought she had a stomach virus and went home from work early. "I started getting really bad cramps and thought I had eaten something bad," the 26-year-old woman said. The pain became so severe she had her husband, Mike, take her to Lancaster General Hospital, where an emergency room doctor said he, "wasn't sure if it was one or two." "One or two what?", Schlossman asked. "Babies.", the doctor replied. Within an hour Schlossman gave birth to 7-pound girl Jasmine. "It was my first baby. I thought any movement I felt was just gas. I didn't go through mood swings. I didn't have any morning sickness. And I only gained about 10 to 12 pounds.", the new mother explained.
Atlanta, Georgia (September 1997): According to a September issue of American Medical News, physicians at the Medical College of Georgia and engineers at Georgia Tech are working to develop a synthetic finger to enable a person in one site to be touched and a doctor at another site to feel exactly what would be felt if the doctor were to be touching him in person.
Amsterdam, Netherlands (November 1997): The Netherlands Liver and Intestine Foundation, which supports research on digestive problems, announced a publicity campaign to encourage people to pass gas as much as 15 times a day to ease intestinal discomfort.
Ft. Bragg, North Carolina (May 2000): Due to a clerical error Army Spc. Jeff Lewis, an army supply clerk for the 82nd Airborne Division who had no formal training or experience in parachuting, was classified as "jump qualified" and scheduled to go for a training jump. The clerk told nobody, and after attending a short refresher course for qualified parachuters who hadn't jumped in a few months, he was out the airplane door. He got tangled in his gear, but remembered instructions from the refresher course, got the gear untangled, and landed unhurt. Later he said he was just doing what a good soldier is supposed to do -- following orders. Maj. James Marshall, an 82nd spokesman, said officials will try to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Grayling, Michigan (July 1997): An Army National Guard unit on maneuvers miscalculated in firing a 105mm artillery shell. Instead of providing tactical cover for troops on maneuvers, the unit blasted the yard of Robert and Joan Hutton in a subdivision in the next county, sending shrapnel and smoke through the house. Fortunately no one was hurt.
Woodbridge, Virginia (June 1998): A fond father admitted he got a bit carried away while building his daughter a treehouse. The finished structure contains bunk beds, skylights, and electrical outlets. The daughter was delighted, but his neighbors are not, and reported him to the local homeowners association, which has demanded that he destroy the structure.
Salt Lake City, Utah (September 1997): A 27 year-old man reported that a burglar had taken $50 and a bottle of Rogaine, and that the thief had probably entered through an open bathroom window in his apartment. The victim added that he usually left the bathroom window open so that he could come and go without neighbors seeing him dressed as a woman.
Austin, Texas (November 1996): Among the Republicans swept into office last election was Steve Mansfield, who was elected to the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. Among Mansfield's pre-election lies or exaggerations (freely admitted in a post-election interview in the publication "Texas Lawyer") were his claim of vast criminal-court experience (he is an insurance and tax lawyer), that he was born in Texas (actually, Massachusetts), that he dated a woman "who died" (she is still alive), and that he had "appeared" in courts in Illinois (never) and Florida (advised a friend of his, but not as a lawyer). During the interview, Mansfield said he lived in Houston as a kid, but when the reporter asked him if that was a lie, Mansfield reluctantly admitted it was. Mansfield called those and other instances "puffery" and "exaggerations" and said he would stop doing that now that he was one of the highest-ranking judges in Texas.
Chicago, Illinois (March 2000): A woman who stole a rare Italian viola from a junk dealer, conspired to have him murdered and later married him, has been sentenced to two years in federal prison. Quintella Benson, the 35-year-old common law wife of junk dealer Boisie Watson, and an accomplice stole the 274-year-old Dom Nicolo Amati viola, which belongs to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and had been stolen while left by mistake on a sidewalk curb and sold to the junk dealer. They then hired an undercover FBI agent, Frank Marrocco, who masqueredes as a professional killer, to kill her husband. Benson and Watson have since reconciled and are now married.
Monrovia, Liberia (February 2000): A beautiful African wedding at the Living Waters Baptist Church in Monrovia, Liberia was disrupted when the groom's pregnant lover, with whom he had been living up to the morning of the wedding, showed up with her brothers, who brought hand grenades with them. Guests dived out of windows and ran through doors to escape, and the wedding did not take place. The groom and unfaithful lover apparently told his girlfriend that he was taking part in a friend's wedding when he left their house that morning. After he left, someone told the girlfriend what was really going on. The girlfriend, whose name has not been revealed, was questioned by police, but no charges were filed against her or her brothers.
New Delhi, India (July 1998): A bride was all ready to marry her bridegroom, but he showed up at the ceremony so drunk and behaved so badly that she phoned up the police and had him removed and arrested. A neighbor then proposed on the spot, she accepted, and the wedding proceeded as planned.
London, UK (August 1997): "The Times" reported that a woman was taken to Wexham Park Hospital in Berkshire after falling from a tree in a park just a few hundred meters from Windsor Castle. According to rangers at the Windsor Great Park, she fell out of the tree, naked, while... engaged... with her boyfriend.
Hampton Beach, NH (August 2001): A bald eagle that clawed a young girl and harassed other beachgoers since late last week was captured Wednesday by an animal control officer in Salisbury, Mass., near the New Hampshire border. The eagle, an adolescent only 14 months old and with only a 6-foot wingspan, had been raised in captivity and then released into the wild from a North Carolina wildlife reserve. It had been attacking people since Friday. On Sunday, it slightly injured a girl and two adults. "Other beaches have sharks, but at Hampton, we had to be different," said Peter MacKinnon, the town's animal control officer. "We had to get an attack eagle."
Vancouver, British Columbia (July 2001): Early last week Vancouver police officer Ray Peterson was on patrol near downtown when a duck grabbed his pant leg and tried to lead him to a grate. The officer admits that he wasn't sure what the duck wanted. "I though it was a bit goofy, so I shoved it away," he told the Vancouver Sun newspaper. The duck grabbed Peterson's leg again when he tried to move on, and then waddled over to a nearby storm drain, where she sat down and waited. "I went up to where the duck was lying and saw eight little babies in the water below," Peterson reported. He called for help, and he and fellow officers removed the heavy metal grate with the help of a tow truck. They used a vegetable strainer to lift the ducklings to safety. Mother and babies then departed for a nearby pond.
Rochester, NY (September 2000): An armed, off-duty police officer was disarmed by an MRI machine, a complex imaging system built around a powerful magnet and used by doctors to look inside of the human body. Attendants at the clinic told the officer that he could keep his handgun with him, but as soon as he entered the room, the magnet yanked the .45-caliber gun out of his hand, and the gun fired. The bullet fortunately lodged in an exterior wall and no one was hurt. It took three hours to power down the magnet and free the pistol. The powerful magnetic field had altered the structure of the metal in the gun and rendered it dangerously brittle, though, and the department firearms expert pronounced it too dangerous to use, so it was returned to the manufacturer.
Sandia NL, New Mexico (June 1997): At an open house, officials at Sandia National Labratories demonstrated its newest law enforcement technology, including strobe lights that make criminals disoriented and nauseous. Sandia has not, however, perfected the eye shield to immunize police officers from the light.... Other brilliant ideas included: a receiver inside an officer's gun that enables him to disable it if a criminal steals it, and a gun that shoots out a goo so sticky that it completely immobilises the target. (This goo was actually developed by a guy named Tom Goolsby.)
Boston, Massachusetts (March 1999): When his daughter brought home a report card with nearly failing grades in math, Dale Robinson allegedly got angry -- but not with her. The following morning, he went to the Jeremiah Burke High School, confronted her math teacher in the hallway, and beat him up. "We anticipate some parents will always be concerned or unsatisfied around report card time," said school headmaster Steven Leonard. "But in this case, the value system seems to be a little warped."
Cheltenham, UK (August 2002): Jacqueline Boanson of Cheltenham, United Kingdom, was described in court yesterday as "the happiest victim of theft ever." As she explained to the magistrates in court, after her card had been stolen she looked at her bank statement, and found that the balance had gone up by £291.40 -- money paid into her account by the British gambling agency Ladbrokes after the thief used her stolen debit card to place a couple of bets at the horse races. Ladbrokes spokesman Sean Boyce explained, "If the bets placed on a stolen debit card had been losing ones, they would have been voided and the stake money would have been returned, but in these exceptional circumstances it would seem a bit churlish to deprive Mrs Boanson of her winnings."
Huddersfield, UK (June 2000): On June 19 at 4:15 AM, after a presumably-scandalized citizen called, West Yorkshire police caught four men playing a game of night-time nude cricket at Scholes Cricket Club. "Nobody was arrested or anything, it was just a matter of giving them some advice regarding their conduct," said a police spokesman. Police did not care to speculate whether the men played cricket without clothes on a regular basis, he added.
East Dublin, Georgia (August 1998): The Annual "Redneck Summer Games" took place Saturday, August 9, in the small town of East Dublin, Georgia. Begun as a spoof of the Summer Olympics, the events included Bobbing for Pigs Feet, the Hubcap Hurl, the Watermelon Seed Spitting Context, the Dumpster Dive, and the ever-popular Mudpit Bellyflop. First, second, and third-place prizes are given -- crushed beer cans mounted on trophy bases.
Mahgreb/North Africa (April 1997): Runner Mauro Prosperi took a wrong turn and got lost in the desert between Morocco and Algeria during the Des Sables marathon. He was missing for nine days.
Berlin (March 2004): A German man was arrested for credit card theft after trying to buy $90 worth of beer and cigarettes at a gas station with a stolen card that belonged to the cashier, Berlin police said Monday. "When I looked at the credit card I saw it was my name," the 33-year-old named Heiko told Berlin's B.Z. newspaper. He locked the man inside the shop and called the police. He said he had recently ordered a credit card but it never arrived in the post. "It was not a common name, so there was no chance of coincidence," a police spokeswoman said.
San Jose, California (May 2001): Arnold Ancheta, a 25-year-old convicted burglar imprisoned at the Elmwood Correctional Facility in Milpitas, California, needs a compass. On Friday, May 18, he escaped from a medium-security area in the prison, hopped a fence, and found himself back in prison -- the women's prison next door. Mr. Ancheta is currently back in a male prison, and charges are pending.
Colombo, Sri Lanka (May 2001): Four would-be rapists chose the wrong victims in a central Sri Lankan town -- one of the women they tried to rape was Dulcia Sirisena, this year's Grand Champion of the Open Karate Championships in India. Ms. Sirisena reportedly felled all four of her assailants with blows, "where men are most vulnerable," according to local police. All four assailants were later arrested and are in jail pending trial.
London, England (July 1999): A thief broke into a parked car, found a camera in it, and had his girlfriend take pictures of him as he used a screwdriver to dismantle the dashboard and remove the stereo. He then left the camera in the car when he abandoned it. The car's owner had the film in the camera developed, and found the pictures. Local police were properly grateful to the cooperative thief. "We are very grateful to this man for making his own arrest so easy," a police spokesperson said.
Winston-Salem, North Carolina (November 1998): Bank teller Melinda Cain had never seen the customer before, but she instantly recognized the name, the date of birth, even the Social Security number. They belonged to her dead husband. Police said Sidney Reuben Smith, 48, went to the BB&T branch where Mrs. Cain works on Tuesday and tried to open a checking account in the name of Cain's husband Jerry, who died three weeks ago. Police said Smith might have seen Cain's obituary in the newspaper and used the date of birth to get a birth certificate. The birth certificate could have been used to get an identification card and a replacement Social Security card.
New York (November 1998): When someone called Manny's Jewelers and ordered $104,000 worth of gold and diamonds on the credit card of Sean "Puffy" Combs, store employees smelled a rat, and phoned up the New York Police Department. The NYPD sent out some undercover officers to await pickup of the loot. The suspects were not who they expected, though -- three Newark, N.J., police officers pulled up in a police truck to pick up the order. The NYPD, in a display of commendable impartiality, arrested them nonetheless. One Newark PD officer said he knew nothing about any scam and was just doing a favor for his cousin. The NYPD is looking for the cousin.
Painesville, Ohio (October 1998): A 20-year-old man caught stealing Christmas presents off of porches was eligible for probation for his offense, provided he passed a urine drug test. However, the specimen he submitted came back positive -- for pregnancy. So the judge, rightly guessing that the thief had substituted his girlfriend's urine for his own, gave him a year behind bars.
Cipolo, Texas (October 1998): John Rickenburg, an eighteen-year-old local man, stole a video camera. Later that same evening, he took it with him to a party, where he used it to film himself bragging about the theft. He then sold the video camera to a pawnshop with the taped confession still inside it. The pawnshop owner played the tape to see what was on it, and after recovering his composure, turned it over to the local police. One officer, when asked to verify this series of events, said, "Apparently he didn't think this one through very carefully."
Granite City, Illinois (September 1998): A bank robber fled from a branch of Illinois' Magna Bank with $4,500, but forgot to take a payroll check with his name and address imprinted on it, and his state ID card. Police tracked James Liddell down in about an hour, at his last recorded address.
West Haven, Connecticut (August 1998): A fugitive from fraud charges in Nevada was arrested when he applied for a job as a town police officer. Alexander Ocasio of Las Vegas was arrested after a standard pre-employment background check turned up the fugitive warrant. Prior to the discovery of the warrant, Ocasio passed all his employment tests. In Nevada, he had been a state corrections officer and, prior to that, a security officer at a Las Vegas casino. Apparently he didn't want to change his line of work.
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